well, if its not one thing, its another
May contain a few spoilers*
First of all, there were a few technical issues that I thought could have been improved, like the wait between each line. It didnt feel like a real situation because you have to act almost immediatly, so it could have at least been faster.
I don't really think I would use this as a reference to dating.. but
Second of all, I thought that some of these lines came across as pretty corny. I kind of know what you were trying to make here, but some of the things might not necessarily work. Second page, "Look, I had the courage to come up and talk to you. It's not easy for guys like us to come up and talk to pretty girls for us guys you know." I think this line totally lacks in confidence, and did not accomplish much. Self-promotion first. You need her to get more interest in you before complementing. Fifth page, grabbing her by the ear and whispering.. thats most likely a bit too early to be making contact. Page 9, I think the part where you said you werent really listening was kind of stupid because you already established this when you told her earlier(grabbing the ear)
Page 12, "well, ok, your loss, you dont know what you are missing". I think this would have been valid if she believed in you enough, I mean, you ARE trying to be different from the rest of the men hitting on her all night.
Page 14.. Ok, with the cell phone messaging, to go this far makes you try sound desperate. You already got her phone number, what more do you want?
Page 15 - I disagree with the fact that you can do that game, where you "wait three days". I mean, we all have lives to be going on with, not all of us will be at home watching "Skinemax".
By the way, you technically could have actually gotten rid of the bethemoth a while ago. The bethemoth was in there waay too long.
It seems almost like this is like a recreation of you(or someone's) real life experience. If so, then good luck in the future.
I'd be shocked if you actually read all of this(and replied too).